Normal for Norfolks

I have it on reliable authority that in Norfolk, England, it is not uncommon for humans to turn up at the Doctors with all sort of odd afflictions which the Doctor has to duly note on the patients notes but that a lot of these have the letters 'NFN' written next to them which stands for 'Normal for Norfolk' so that any visiting medical practitioner would not be alarmed with what they read in the patients notes. As with these humans I also have a number of, shall we say, peculiarities, that also are 'Normal for Norfolks.'

Firstly there is the whole 'my tongue has a mind of its own' thing. I can control it most of the time and then suddenly it darts out for a stealthy lick. I swear my tongue knows when you are in range and not looking and if you yawn and are not looking...well my tongue is literally uncontrollable. Sometimes it just slides out whilst I sleep though not having my front teeth is partly to blame as the 'drawbridge is down', so to speak. Do not be alarmed by this as it is NFN.

Secondly there is the TV watching. I really like TV and not in a "Oh look there is an animal on this nature programe" way. I watch proper TV. The news, whole films, sports matches, documentaries, everything. I've even started watching the slightly odd looking TV in the kitchen that the humans bizarrely refer to as the 'oven.' If I mither my humans enough they will drag a stool over and I can watch the TV on the oven which I think they refer to as 'Baking'. I'll be honest though, its not the best program ever. The storyline is a bit one dimensional, the dialogue is non existent and the pace is glacial but I have to admit that whilst it is not to everyones taste (I am frequently the only one watching it apart from the humans occasional glances) there is a certain slow burn excitement watching things rise and brown. Again, do not be alarmed this is 100% NFN

Then there is the lack of dreaming. I share my life with a Black Lab called 'Guinness' and she is one of life's dreamers. No sooner is she asleep and the twitching starts, some days she must be dreaming she is leading the field in the 3.20 race at Kempton Park as she is veritably galloping as she sleeps. I, on the other hand, sleep like the dead. Its more like entering a coma than sleeping and my humans often speculate that I just don't dream. Of course I do dream, every night in fact, its just that my dreams consist of me dreaming that I am fast asleep. Again NFN, move along, nothing to see here.

Then there is the fascination with small objects. If its small and moves I chase it. That includes Pigeons (obviously - the spawn of Satan)), squirrels, crisp packets, leaves, ducks, swans, cats (obviously - second only to Pigeons in the pantheon of evil), any bird, sprinkler systems, twigs in the river, F16's that fly over the house (we live near an airbase)...basically anything. Again....perfectly normal for Norfolks.

Finally there is the fact that I am always ready. Like in the films when the President announces that they need to go to ‘Def-Con 3’, I operate the same 5 scale state of readiness. Def-Con 5 is basically I am asleep. Deep deep sleep. I don’t really bother with Def-Con 4 or 3 as I can’t really see the need. You are either on point or you are not. I spend most of my time in Def-Con 2, a state of high readiness as I stand sentry whilst looking out of the window. It’s basically the Norfolk equivalent of when the President has broken the seal on the launch codes and inserted his key in the little black box. I’m ready, I’m locked and loaded. Def-Con 1 kicks in when anyone or anything comes within 50 paces of the house and if that postman dares to come to my house again he will discover what Def-Con 0 feels like as I rip his arm off and beat him to death with it. I wont really as in truth I’m all noise but don’t tell him that as have my rep to think about. Normal for Norfolks. It's how we roll.